Yesterday I made a post on Instagram regarding depression. I expressed my concerns about opening up about my own experiences in that area, and about mental illness in general. I got some encouraging comments that I should open up about it, because perhaps it might be a way to help not only myself but also others. Its scary, terrifying, partly because it means I have to confess to something that is socially tabu. But also, and perhaps this is the scariest part, what if nobody cares? What if I write this hard text about myself and then I get no response? Its a scary thought indeed… But I’ve always admired people who dare to open up about their problems, and we should be able to talk more freely about this topic. If you tell me your back hurt; why can’t I tell you my soul hurts?
On that note; here goes:
I suffer from anxiety. For most of my life I’ve had feelings of worry, guilt and paranoia, which all fuels this anxiety. But since August last year its been worse than ever, and its what causes me and others to believe that I have a depression. I haven’t gotten a diagnoses, in fact I have never gotten a diagnosis about anything, but I do believe that I’m depressed. Not that it matters that much in the end, what matters is that I’m not feeling well and I need to do something about it.
Since my late teens I’ve been visiting professionals, sometimes regularly and sometimes not at all. If you have no experience with this you should know that it takes time. Not only do you have to go through a system that is extremely frustrating and time consuming, then you also have to find a person you feel comfortable talking to. If you don’t, the search starts over. And then you can actually start working on your problems. But before all of this even starts, you have to realize and admit to yourself that you have issues, and then dare to ask for help. In other words; mental illness often causes other hinders you have to get over.
I realize that this doesn’t sound very encouraging. However, I will tell you that its all worth it in the end. When you find the right person to talk to and you feel yourself improving, its worth all the hard work. As cliché as this may sound I’m going to mention it anyway; If life has taught me anything its that every struggle is worth the pain once you get through it. I made the mistake of taking a long break between therapy sessions. For almost eighteen months I did not visit a psychologist, thinking I was feeling “okay” and claiming I didn’t have time. Sadly, I didn’t make my own well-being priority number one and after a rough start of the autumn I crashed. I should have not been satisfied with feeling “okay”; I should have kept going to strengthen myself. But I also do believe that its never too late to get better; If I have gotten worse than its only reasonable that I can get better again, right? I have hope, and I can only be thankful for the fact that I have extremely wonderful people in my life, that stays with me even when I feel crazy and act crazy. I call it crazy based on irony and a black sense humor – I know I’m not crazy and mental illness doesn’t make you crazy. But I need to be able to have a sense of humor about it all, or else I will indeed become crazy!
I will soon start another therapy treatment and hopefully it will be able to undo some knots that are stuck in my mind. If I get any updates regarding any diagnosis I will let you know, but its all very lose right now. All I can is that I’ve been waiting to start a treatment for months now, and I’m ready to get going, to not let the anxiety win!
I hope this text has shed some light on this issue. Lastly, I’m going to share a photo of myself. Ego-centric? Yes, but its related to the text since I’ve noticed that photo editing is one of the most effective ways to keep bad thoughts away right now. So, please enjoy my pretty face~☆